Shining a Light on Rudeness

 

Anyone who follows the blog knows that Terry is almost deaf, but "hard of hearing" is the broad statement to describe his hearing loss. I cannot imagine the frustration of being unable to hear your cat purr or your partner speaking to you when only every other word may be retained. Hearing loss puts an entirely new perspective on "communication" in a relationship. 

There was one time I recall I felt frustrated over a situation involving our relationship. I couldn't speak to him about it in the traditional sense of sharing feelings as a couple. It's as though I'm screaming at him if I try to converse with him in the usual way. My voice is softer, making it difficult to talk loud enough to produce the outcome I desire. I literally need to yell as loud as I can to get my point across and I hate doing that. If we are in public, people tend to turn and look. My voice doesn't typically hold up really well when I'm trying to yell either. Most of the time, if background noise is of little consequence, he can look directly at me and know what I'm saying. But if there is more noise than usual, it does make things a bit more difficult. 

Terry goes outside at least once a day to enjoy a well-deserved relaxation period while he puffs on a cigar. I learned quickly to take advantage of that time he has to read anything I send him over text messaging. That way, nothing is left out of the conversation, and he can understand me better, without missing a word of the message I was making an attempt to convey. 

Typically, I would never think of sharing feelings with a partner over a text message, however I felt this was the best way to discuss any situation in its entirety. His comprehension is better, without having to shout. I get the point across now without him missing words, leaving me with a "whatever works" belief. I do know Terry cannot hear some of what I'm saying to him during the regular day-to-day conversations you might have with your husband, partner, friend or even coworker. I have found that when discussing things with him, he will ask questions later or remind me of conversations, however sometimes there is so much of the conversation he has missed. Misinterpretation is a larger problem too, due to the lack of hearing. While the understanding of the situation is there on my end, unimportant chats are fine. However, there may come a time when I need him to understand every word of what I'm discussing, especially in an emergency.  

I was once asked if his loss of hearing bothers me or leaves me frustrated. In fact, it is another piece of what makes my sweet man the person he is. It is part of why I fell in love with him and fall deeper each day. I don't want to degrade him, or sound frustrated in my relationship with him in this post. That's not the case. I'm simply trying to express some situations we deal with. The challenges are a real thing, not just on my end, but definitely come up in his world.  

I was sick with COVID in November and a bit in December. The six to seven weeks not only left me weak and not feeling well, but my ears clogged up to the point where I could barely hear. I immediately had a slight sense of what Terry goes through daily. We would make an attempt to have conversations, yet it left us both at a loss of what was being said. Laughter would follow several chats, as we tried to yell across the room to each other. But each sentence followed with a, "Huh?" or "What?" We began to feel as though it was an amateur comedy routine, not a professional attempt, such as in "Who's on First," by Abbott and Costello. But the laughter ensued most chats.

My hearing loss also left us knowing how important it is for at least one of us to be able to hear. It was a trial in not only the confusion one experiences when both parties cannot hear, but also a glimpse into what it would be like if both of us had that loss of our hearing ability. I was afraid that if I had lost enough of my hearing, Terry and I would definitely be in for a long, hard period of transition in our lives. A transition of both of us having to learn to deal with the silence that would become our world.

There are many times when Terry and I have been in public, and people have talked with Terry about products or services or have given him instructions to follow in, let's say, doctor's appointments and the like. The majority of those times include questions for him to answer. During those moments he can't make out what is being said, I speak for him. If I could not hear either, the confusion and misunderstandings would be exasperating, adding to the frustration of being in public. When Terry tells me he isolated during the time he first lost his hearing, I now understand why. I cannot imagine what he goes through or what he has been through, but I did get a slight taste during the healing of the COVID symptoms. 

Terry has never let his hearing impairment get in the way of his life. He always chooses to go out and do things, enjoying life to the fullest. He is not one to sit home, losing those experiences that bring beauty and fullness to his existence. Recently he purchased a nice lens for his camera so we can extend our outings into the nature photography realm. He's a man on the go and I love him dearly for that trait. 

The cochlear implant on one ear and the hearing aid worn in the other ear does give Terry an ability to listen to music and to hear sounds he could not hear before. Even with missing out on words and sounds a good ear might hear, his brain is able to collect beautiful tones that he would have not heard without the technology he has been blessed with. The cochlear allows Terry to talk on the phone, whereas before that gift, he was left with the inability to even have phone conversations with others. 

His cochlear works by connecting to his phone via Bluetooth, such as your connection to your phone via earphones. He is capable of chatting with someone on the phone through that system, while the voice on the other end is not heard by anyone else, giving him privacy. I am so impressed by the cochlear! Hearing about them through TV shows (Switched at Birth) and other media platforms, I had no idea what an actual gift it is to those with hearing loss until I met Terry. I see the implementation of the cochlear in so many ways during his day, including the immense ability to catch things that would otherwise be missing in his life. He can hear his music. Birds chirping, a cat's purr. All the sounds that we take for granted, he can hear because of this beautiful technology. 

On the other end of the spectrum, there are sounds I am glad he can't hear. We went to the store yesterday (Saturday, April 9), and the cashier was quite rude. Terry asked that the groceries be bagged, avoiding the usual query of, "Would you like to purchase a bag?" The cashier didn't take kindly to being told what to do I guess, so she snapped back, "That's what I was planning to do." I heard it loud and clear and the tone she said it in left me a bit ticked off. I was highly offended by the tonality of her reply to him. She had obviously misunderstood what he was suggesting and the reasoning behind him saying it a bit louder than one usually would. 

Searching Terry's face for his emotions, I saw nothing vital to the situation and realized he had not heard the disgruntled statement. I let the event lie where it was, without assuming any further stance on the matter. Rudeness was her middle name, but Terry missed the comment, leaving him without any stress that could have risen from the idea that people could be so rude over simple duties.  

I explained the cashier's statement to Terry after we arrived home and began putting groceries away. Terry's sweet outlook on life settled me down and had me rethinking the entire episode. He simply replied, "Well, I just feel bad that she still has to work at her age." He was right. I missed that aspect of the ordeal by focusing on the rudeness exuding from the woman. Bless his heart, without hearing the statement in the moment of it happening, his reply was given at a time that awkward situation had passed. His love for people, his ability to separate anger in a confrontational moment leaped out. He looked at the event with an empathetic view for the woman and her situation, without focusing on his emotions. 

My sweet man gave me a fresh outlook on those few seconds in my day that had left me hurt that she would speak to him that way. He was right. As a spiritual woman, I realize I jumped directly into the human response of anger in that situation. My pride got in the way of hearing her cry for help and the anger she was feeling by having to work and possibly having a rough day. We could visibly detect the woman was of retirement age or beyond, but I chose to look past that and see only the worst in her after hearing her remark. 

I love my sweet man for bringing that to my attention. While he never came out to correct me, his outlook made me understand her point of view. All the emotions of anger, annoyance, even frustration toward her rudeness, he created a feeling of love, calm, and of course, empathy in me. Terry has no idea of what he did for me during that moment.

 I had not gone into detail to him of how I was feeling toward that woman. That feeling of defending my partner, my fiancé, my sweet man, threw me automatically into the defensive mode. I was angry that she talked to him like that. Bless his heart, he saw the way through all the bullshit, with ego bursting through the seams, and took on an outlook of pure love. An outlook we should all assume in situations we run across that stirs those harsher emotions in our daily lives. If we all showed that compassion, that love for one another, the ability to release the ego and return with genuine care, our world would be a much better place.

The man may be hard of hearing, but he holds life dear. The compassionate side of him comes shining through daily. I am genuinely blessed to have found someone who can take day-to-day moments of what can bring about anger and shines his light on it. A feeling of calmness came over me during that "Ah-ha" moment. I love his light. I love his soul. I love my sweet man. I spent a few moments yesterday thinking that maybe it isn't so bad that he cannot hear every little thing around him. Maybe that's a gift. That may be the reason his hearing is not as strong as it could be. Just maybe it helps. Hearing loss might be a blessing in disguise in one small way. If he had heard the woman, would he have reacted the way most of us would have? Would it have stirred anger? Brought on a vile response in return? The situation happened to be diffused mainly due to him not hearing all of the conversation. Could it be seen as a gift of sorts or at least in certain situations, allowing him to avoid the confrontational pose as a natural response and let him see the best side of the moment? 

I am learning so much from the man I'm about to marry. This is spoken from a woman deeply in love, but also from someone who is aware of much more than a romantic love, a love that comes from the heart, from the soul. The way we are actually built to be. Sharing love, knowing love, and caring for one another. A deficiency? A disability? Never. He may not hear everything around him, but he is aware. Aware on a much deeper level than those who have perfect hearing. A soul level, a heart level. A loving level that stems from a place we should all pull our reactions from, to correct those moments of anger, rage, and of unloving episodes. I know one thing after being with him for the short amount of time I have been. I want to be just like Terry when I grow up. 

Terry, showing love to Rex.