Rainbows Shining Through Dark Skies

 

Wednesday, September 12, 2024

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This is the most difficult post I have ever written. I feel I need to express my emotions around this only to release some of the negativity of the situation and to share the events that took place. Maybe some of this will resonate with a few of you. 

I know I do a bit of bragging about my sweet husband. Sometimes we have our spats, let's be real. We are not perfect, by a long shot. But more often we have our laughter. I believe it's the way of life and how a marriage or partnership should be. But are we there for each other on those bad days? That's the importance of being with a partner. Someone who can supply support and love in the darkest of moments.  

To define these feelings around the situation is to fill in details for those of you who do not know a medical condition I have. Anxiety and panic attacks consumed me and my life, beginning many years ago. I was experiencing about 30 panic attacks per day in the beginning. From there the separate attacks blended into one severe, constant feeling of panic and anxiousness. Embarrassed by the attacks in stores and around people, I began to tighten my neck and shoulders to let that portion of my body take on the feeling of dread and the shakiness. Worst mistake I ever made. 

As time moved on, I found myself with many days of sore neck muscles, which then led to headaches due to the intense tightening of my body. Finally, I gave myself permission to just have the attacks and come what may. That process eventually led me down another path. Now my neck shakes all the time. I believe it is due to me telling my brain this is where all of that anxiety must be handled.

 A new issue began from this practice and has been with me ever since, opening a new can of worms. These "worms" are an unknown species to doctors who have tried putting labels on me that are incorrect. One label, after about 10 seconds of walking up a hallway was, "You have cervical dystonia. There is no cure. But we can inject Botox into your neck for you." Thanks, but no thanks. 

I researched the label of cervical dystonia and found it means "shaking neck." Well, that's a big duh if I may say so myself. I'm not a doctor, but that's just a ridiculous tag to put on someone because you don't understand what else it could be. This "diagnosis" was given to me as are other labels when a doctor cannot figure out what might be causing your issues, but they feel the need to put some type of name to the situation, I guess to make the patient feel better by knowing their condition has a name. 

Many medications have been introduced to my body, supposedly to relieve me of all of this. Only one medication has been helpful, but unfortunately it is one that I cannot take. Ativan or lorazepam they have given me for MRIs and for scans of various types to still my body for the procedure is the one that works and works well. That medication stopped the shakiness, but is not available in a six pack to be the answer to my predicament. Ativan does cause other issues down the line and is addicting. That put that out of the list of solutions according to my doctors.  

Now, the reason why I am so anxious and shaky is due to psychical abuse, and being put through emotional turmoil throughout my early years. Since those experiences have passed, I have been unable to rid myself of the forever present anxiety and panic. I cannot change the past, but I'm forever on a hunt for the answer to my suffering from the embarrassment of my chronic unsteadiness. 

I'm battling it out with doctors who do not seem to understand what I am telling them. I believe I know my body better than they do. They want to pin all sorts of problems onto the original source and I've played their game for a while, but not without pitching in my two cents. I have been poked, prodded, scanned, and searched, but the only thing I find is that Ativan brings the anxiousness to a halt. But I continue to tell them that there are instances where I calm myself at home and the shaking ends. This statement does not seem to be sinking in. Since depression medications don't work, they believe I need to revisit another neurologist to see if I have Parkinson's Disease or MS. I have been tested for both in the past, both negative. 

The reason I am going through all of this with you is to give a background of why an event that happened a couple of days ago released every ounce of wellbeing out of my being. 

Working on Sunday was not a planned thing. I just felt like going out for a while. After doing several runs, I was finding myself to be more anxious than usual, for whatever reason. Knowing I was going to stop soon, I headed out to deliver items to the final customer of the day. 

I ran the items to their porch and knocked. Done, I completed the rest of the delivery "paperwork" in the car. Man, was I shaking today! It was time to call it for the day and head home. As I turned out of the driveway and drove to the end of the street and travel onto the main street, I realized there was a truck needing access to this road. 

Being such a narrow road, I knew I had to move before he could come in. This tiny bit of pressure made me more anxious and my neck began to shake. Searching both ways for oncoming cars, I turned the steering wheel to the right, preparing to move. I looked at the man in the truck to smile at him as a sort of apology for being in the way and noticed he began to shake his head all over, mocking me. 

It took me several seconds to get through the shock and to catch my breath again before I completely understood what he was doing. In that split second, he sent me back to years ago when I felt defeated, deflated, and worth nothing. In that split second, he crushed my soul. I do have a Pollyanna-ish outlook on life at times, but the world can be so devastatingly cruel at the other end of the rainbow.  

Anger welled up and before I knew it, that anger turned into tears. I began to do the ugly cry we all do when highly upset, not caring who saw it. It was time I headed home. Embarrassment overwhelmed me. My chest was heavy, my thoughts went back and forth from anger to embarrassment, shame, and then humility, all the while bringing up those horrible years of being abused. Driving home, it was all I could do to hold the tears in check well enough to see the road. I reached for the button to text my husband to let him know what was happening, unsure of what he would say in this out of the realm of ordinary happening.

Feeling wounded, I spilled out all that had happened in a text. Would he reply? Was he busy? Would he be rolling his eyes and thinking, "Oh, my God, woman. Get it together!" I received a reply shortly after I sent the text. He was devastated for me. My Terry got it. He understood. 

I pulled the car into the driveway, put my driving glasses down, fixed all of my driving and work items in the car, looked up and saw he was standing at the car door, waiting to greet me. I opened the door, fell into his arms to rid myself of the feeling that the world was beating up on me. I released all the tears and along with them, the pain and the nasty energy of the day and of that jerk of a human being who mocked me. Immediately he swallowed me up into the tightest hug he could muster and just let me sob.  

Terry is a tall, broad-shouldered man. Every inch of that tall body pulled me in, swallowed me up and surrounded me within a bubble of love. That bear hug is one I will never forget. Within moments I was feeling so much better, especially listening to my soulmate whisper in my ear that I can't allow that man to get inside my head. I was safe, I was loved, and all of the negative portion of the day dissolved into a caring, a feeling of complete serenity.  

Terry and I may have our moments of, "What the hell are you doing?" or "No, we're not doing that!" as most couples do. But in that moment of need, I was definitely brought into a safety zone. A place where my heart was stroked with a loving hand. All the unhappiness in my world was brushed aside with that hug and showing of kindness, and all was good in my life again. 

So we may have our disagreements and little bits here and there periodically that are typical marriage squabbles, but today when I really needed it, the man came through. Our outer world may be horrible at times, especially nowadays with the hatred and bad attitudes people discharge into the mix of life, but I will always know in our little world, inside of our hearts and home will be healing, love, and a damn fine place to be. I love you, Terry Macrae. Thank you for holding my heart and remolding it, healing it when the world has once again chipped it. 

I'm not sharing this to get sympathy, but to show others that we always need to remember a hug is so very special. It can mean so much to someone going through a rough time. A simple hug can take away pain and sorrow and bring rainbows into someone's life, even when you have no idea what they are going through. Be kind to others every day you live. Remain above the hatred, the nastiness, and give some kindness and love to those who may be struggling. When we die, we take with us all of the love and beauty we shared.